Dear Chelsea, 

It’s been a whirlwind, the past few years blazing by with seasons of intense pain and extreme beauty. You know a lot about that. 

There’s the present unfolding & then there’s the years of memory and loss and an always settled hope that He is exactly who He says He is. 

Went to University, full of ambition and anticipation. They say these are the years that you’ll someday wish you had back. Nearly three years since I finished University and I’ve never quite wished that. Maybe it’s because I’m much more interested in what’s ahead than in what’s behind. But, maybe it’s also because they somehow form years of memories that now sting with loss and heartache. 

I met the dear man shortly after beginning my courses at University. I’d never set my eyes on a man before, but he was captivating. We were friends those first few years and eventually we were more than friends. I didn’t plan on falling in love during University and I certainly never anticipated that I’d fall in love with the hazel-eyed man who sat next to me my first course in University. 

But, life spins and hearts change and purposes collide and in one wild moment, everything seems to take on a new skin. So, there we were, two people, young in love, brimming with joy, moving forward into all we expected He had planned for us. 

This is the part where my heart shrivels up a bit and I wonder how words are supposed to articulate the pain of what came next, how mere sentences can describe the events, and how I can brave through it again with grace. 

We were in London just weeks prior, us both settled quiet in that beautiful cathedral. Then, we’d celebrated my twenty-first birthday in Bucharest a week or so later. And it all felt like a dream, like it couldn’t be my life that I was living. 

Until another few weeks passed and the dear man changed his mind about me. 

It was a few hours of conversation for five years of togetherness. Ten months of being engaged to the dear man and then in an instant, he changed his mind? 

The pain of those moments, days, months and now the years that they have become is a real pain. I have no way of understanding how or why. The questions our hearts toss and turn over, all without any sufficient answer. 

But, this I know: the heart of Christ never could change. 

He is always good. He is always love. No matter. 

And this the lesson of the years, these long, drawn out, often times lonely years — He is exactly who He says He is. 

I think we try so hard to understand circumstance that we miss the real truth: He is Christ. He is the only One who ever loved us to death and back to real and forever life. What do the questions matter in the face of that unconditional love? 

And so, life takes it’s toll, and my heart wrestles with the pain, but the years do pass and time does go on and you find that, even in the face of grave loss, you have Him. 

I think it’s safe to say that my life’s direction took a wild turn after the dear man left. In the moment of change, I didn’t see the sovereignty of God clearly. But, now, nearly three years later, I see it was love that carried me, mercy that refused me my heart’s deep desire. 

So the wondering and the worry? It just fades into His worthiness. I don’t need to figure it out. I don’t even want to. The years change a person and they sure have changed me and it’s all a beautiful tapestry that we’ve just got to believe He’s weaving for us. 

We see the bits of threads now, how He is weaving His plans for us into something wildly beautiful. 

One of those threads? How he picked me up and moved me across the deep blue to that place in Eastern Europe that for a decade now has captured my heart’s affection and solidified my life’s purpose. And how is it that He unfolded that? It’s still a wonder to me. 

I’ll soon be heading back to that place I call home, the place where the loss seems insignificant in the face of His goodness, the place where my joy is the fullest, where He woos me and dances with me and loves on me. I can’t wait to tell you more about it. 


PS: Little photo for you. Fresh blooms I passed everyday for a year. Hope births new life. 

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