14.

Meg dear,

Ive called Milwaukee “home” for four Saturdays now. The first was carrying box after box up the stairs to my apartment with the help of some new friends and my parents. The second was spent completely with my Momma who generously came back to visit and to help me settle in. My third Saturday was my first weekend off of work at my new job and I used up those days by driving to Michigan to visit a friend. Number four, today, it seals the deal. One month in and this has been home from the first moment. Still unpacking, painting, settling — into my space and my community — but enough time has passed for me to feel comfortable here. Time to press deeper.

Last night Holy Spirit called me out of my comfort zone and into action. I groaned with the soul “stiffness” thats like limbs that have done nothing but sit for hours, but it was Friday night and I didn’t have plans. Ive decided He gets to make our Friday night plans from here out.

I had plenty of meals I could make but just really wanted to get something warm delivered. Pizza is always a good idea. A little research, a few questions, a phone line busy… “Ill just walk.” That stuck. I could’ve driven but He wanted to walk. So we did. And we saw many more souls through glancing eyes we rubbed shoulders with than you can from the street anyway. “Maybe I should just get a frozen pizza and take it home?” Nope. Hot, fresh, cooked for me. Okay. Down the street and around a corner, passing the building where French lessons are given — a little nudge of encouragement to keep at my own lessons in the language from Him on our way — and in the door of a whole-in-the-wall pizzeria with only two chairs to wait in and clear site to the very back of the tight kitchen. I still distinctly felt like I was supposed to get the pizza delivered so I said, “Maybe this is odd but could I order here, now, and have the pizza delivered to me? I don’t want to carry it all the way back.” “Of course! Whats the address?” I told her and she paused, “I live on the same block as you.” We chatted and wrapped up my order. Leaving the building and walking home though I burst into laughter because my heart is to meet my neighbors, to love my neighbors — from the crossing guard to the baristas, the grocery clerks to the people living in the apartments next door — I just haven’t met any of them, its been so cold out. But here was one! At the pizza place I was supposed to walk to but have delivered. 

Maria with the social german shepherd, as you said, Im sure Ill see you around!

13.

Two weeks. Fourteen days. I'm moving to a new land, walking into the unfolding new of life’s next season. The lease still needs to be signed and money sent in. The boxes and furniture still need to be packed and loaded into a truck. The last hours at this job here need to be worked as faithfully as the last — with extra snuggles and cuddles for the kiddos I won’t get to hold for awhile once I leave. The Christmas festivities still need to be held with my loved ones. Just fourteen days. Only two weeks.

Oh, soul, who is your Father, from Whom comes your help?

>> “You’re the One Who conquers giants, You’re the One Who calls out kings; You shut the mouths of lions, You tell the dead to breathe; You’re the One Who walks through fire, You take the orphans hand; You are the One Messiah; You are I Am.”

Who gave you the "when" to move? 

>> New Years Day. Ive known for nearly six months.

Who gave you the "where"? 

>> Milwaukee, WI. Placed on my heart in July and confirmed in September.

Who rained down favor and provided a job, a car, a house? 

>> read that account here.

Stand firm, my soul. Take heart. 

We are turning up the risk, He says, and the ones around you who care for you have natural concerns. Don’t be swayed by them. You know it will all work out because you know Me. Let what you see be more real than what they don’t. It IS. Don’t let them keep you here in “safe” out of fear, out of unknowns. I have called you forward. Yes, into the deeper waters that you don’t know — but I DO. Your time in "safe" is done. Safe is not your calling, “sure” + “steady” + “ever present help” is. "Safe" is for children. You’re no longer a child. Come with Me into risk. My presence is steady and sure and will be your help and cover and companion. I know you rest in that, I know you’re ready to follow, I also know it feels heavy and lonely to you. It isn’t really. You will never bear the stresses or trials alone. I am your Husband. The burdens are Mine to bear, I just want you beside me through it. So walk in freedom! You have the authority and power of My Name as your own. All that is Mine is yours. I’ve got you. Let’s go take care of the ones around us.

Here we go! Fourteen days. Two weeks. ...

12.

Meggan,

Exploring, pioneering, going — there is something about the unknown; the potential of it, the limitlessness. I love home, but Im not afraid to leave it. As much as home is dear, making home in new places has a sweetness Im nearer to. By the time I was 15yrs old I had lived in 15 homes. As a particularly organized child you would think that all those changes would upset the apple cart of my lifestyle system and well-ordered space, and I suppose it did, but even then I was more excited about getting to reorganize and make a ‘new way’ my own than I was frustrated by the uprooting. 

No matter how many times you move though, leaving the familiar, saying goodbye to the dear places and everyday faces, is no easier. I’ve been so caught up in the plans and excitement for Milwaukee that I’d forgotten this transition means a complete uprooting and starting from scratch in a place I don’t know once again. Last year this time I was packing up to drive across the country and move into a state Id never been to, to live with people Id never met and get a position Id never held before in a setting Id never experienced — by myself. There was a culture shock to it all and an unrelenting requirement for effort put forth without even the rest of a friendly face at days end. It was hard. I found joys in it, I was stretched very thin by it, and it certainly merited the title: adventure. This move is similar except that I’ll know some faces and the job position is one Im at least aware of how to operate and be flexible in. 

Traversing into the great unknown is a labor. In these times its wonderful how a brand or shop you recognize appears as perfect relief. Just knowing that my new place is one street over from a Starbucks is a comfort. To be able to walk into an atmosphere Im acquainted with and order the drink of my current routine, not having to think twice over this one in a hundred decisions my new world will present me with daily, is a gift.

Oh, and isn’t it fun? Turning on the favorite songs, drowning out the grating sound of the new furnace, or throwing wide the windows to let the sounds of life unfolding down the street sweep through. To unpack those boxes and glance around at the inventory of items, each collected over time and containing memory of some adventure past, to wipe them clean and set them in place, step back and see it seeping out: home.

Yes, Im both a nomad and a nester.

Chelsea

09.

An open love letter to Milwaukee —

They told me: “be careful, you’ll fall in love”.  I said, “I wouldn’t mind.” Here we are.

I never would have pictured myself with you, but I choose you irrevocably. I’m bringing myself under your name, your reputation, and pouring all of myself into you. Hard, good, painful, worth it. 

People have some very black and white comments about you, no pun intended. I take them all with a grain of salt because theres grace — for us, for them, for me, for you. They say you’re beautiful, they say you’re dangerous, they say you’ll steal my heart. 

Honey, I see who and what you are, and you’re right: I don’t know what I’m getting myself into, but I’m choosing you for all you are and all that may come. I will love you at your darkest. I look at you and I see you as you’re meant to be and I can look your ugly square in the face and say, “you are SO loved”. The best is yet to come and I’m excited to journey through the days ahead with you.

Chelsea

Note: I’m moving to Milwaukee to partner with a handful of other people lovers, game changers, who bear Holy Spirit’s passion about their city. While I will, by my Father’s sweet favor, be working and living in a very low-crime area of the city, my heart is for the at-risk and needy. I will be safe but my calling is not to stay safe, it is to love — and to love is to be vulnerable, to risk it all because you see worth. My Father’s evidenced Love is an atmosphere-changer, a heart-toucher, a mountain-melter. He has a Body filled with His heart so that He can touch people with it. I’m just willing to be made willing to move in sync with it. This is not meant to be incredible. It’s, quite simply, reasonable. His love is what’s radical, not our moving in it. 

MKE is one of the most segregated cities in all America and that eats at me. Unity is my dream. There are a lot of stories to be told — hearts to be heard — in the barrier-breaking process. I want to listen. I want to see. I want to share. Regardless of what side of the river I’m found on I want to be found serving someone other than me and loving with that unearthly, lavish Love. As far as I’m concerned,  Milwaukee is chuck full of family I’ve yet to meet — and this family is multi-ethnic but we all share the same Father. Family dinners are going to be epic.

08.

Meggan,

Autumn was always my favorite season. Something about the crisp air, the strong winds, the gray hues and cloudy days... These elements stimulate my inspiration. Like the horizons, there's a limitlessness about this season. 

This year has been different though. The smell of the cool air, the crunchy under foot, holing up in coffee shops, and dreaming big all spark memories of experiencing them to the full with a dear man by my side last year. This fall I dreaded walking outside because just a breath of this beautiful season and my chest felt tight, my eyes cast down -- I was right back in those rich memories and then flashing back to the present where all of that was lost. 

I've been so grateful for your understanding ear and gentle heart through this. The memories won't always be so potent but this year they have been and it's nice to know that someone understands the sadness and the hurt. 

Another friend of mine was so sad to hear that my favorite season had been made so bittersweet for me that he set out to try and replace the sad memories with happy ones. The relentless love of a friend is especially sweet companionship in hard times. 

Time passes. Winter temperatures have officially set in here in the Midwest. Creatures big and small are going to be hibernating in the woods over the hills. The last of the harvest is being collected on the surrounding farms. The ticks should have been long gone by now but this year they lingered. I got Lyme Disease for the second time in my life. Staying home from work, giving myself time to recover, I walked down to the mailbox in the afternoon and breathed in the last fall day of the year and guess what? It didn't bring back anything sad. It felt fresh, familiar, limitless like it always used to. Ahhh. My Father redeems all things -- even the seasons. 

Chelsea

PS: This one morning was hauntingly beautiful. It tasted of hope, of promise, of fresh mercies.

06.

Meg,

It seems like the waiting seasons are typically lengthy ones, down-to-the-wire ones, where everything comes together as needed, no need to worry, right when you need it you’ll have it… But once you know where you are going you just want to get there! You and I know that in this life unfolding we seem to swing between aching + waiting for a promise to be fulfilled and then celebrating the receiving, back and forth, back and forth, and its grown perseverance in my bones. Seems my Father has graduated me to a new training recently: faith in favor.

Ready for a tale of favor? Not surprisingly it begins in dire circumstances.

The Car 

Somewhere along the four hour drive back home from my visit in Milwaukee my vehicle suffered damage. Something was really wrong with my vehicle. I got it into the mechanic and he said it was repairable but considering how much Id spent on maintenance and how much I travel he suggested it was time to sell the vehicle and get a new one, preferably by the end of the week. I had intended to replace my car for a month or two but was waiting for the right time to put those wheels in motion. This was the time. My Father always tells me when its time, sometimes its through obvious things, not still small voices, but my soul still recognizes His voice on it.

A local dealership was running a trade-in special where they would purchase your old vehicle and put the amount toward your purchase of a new car. I thought that would be my best option. With a little research I found a new vehicle at the dealership that would be within my price range granted I could get a loan for it (which technically I shouldn’t have been able to do as my job doesn’t produce a pay stub and I wouldn’t be able to prove to the bank that I could make my payments — I was holding out faith in favor and waiting to cross that bridge until we got to it). I test drove it and was satisfied. My Dad suggested I consider the car one size up from it though as being more suited to my needs, weather conditions in the Midwest and simply my taste. The price wasn’t much more so I followed his advice. The dealership was unable to give me enough money for my old vehicle and I didn’t have a buyer lined up for it yet so I had no cash to bring to the table. My Dad has excellent standing at the bank though so with him a co-signer we were able to get a loan for the full amount of the new vehicle and the payments would come out to be just a few dollars higher than I had budgeted for. By heavenly favor I drove a brand new vehicle, of my color choice off the lot, completely paid for by the loan I shouldn’t have been able to get but did, and only having one or two weeks worth of pay from my new very part-time nanny gig in the bank.

I told my employer about my situation and that I would need to have a guaranteed 30hrs a week rather than 10hrs a week from now on and while it was my preference to work for them if I had to I would find a second job. She and her husband had been discussing how they could give me more hours a week just as my text came in. By Monday I had 30hrs a week from them and would be more than able to make my car payments each month.

Having driven my new car around for a month I kept thinking I should list my old vehicle. I had posted it on FB right after purchasing the new one and had immediate feedback but no follow through. It wasn’t the time so I’d just been waiting for that to change. On an insignificant afternoon the thought rang in my head and I went home and posted my listing on Craigslist. The next morning I had email inquiries waiting for my response. By noon I was shaking hands with the new owner of my old vehicle and praying over his children. This was not ironic timing. The man and his son had been driving through town two days earlier when someone ran a red light and wrecked their vehicle. He and his wife both drive for work and they need two vehicles so he needed to replace their wrecked one immediately. Then my vehicle came up on Craigslist and it was perfectly suited to their needs. As we talked about the Lord’s provision we also discovered that he and his wife had been at the same School of Power and Love that I had been at in July. Our Father had brought His children together to bless each other — a vehicle for a family who needed it, and cash for His daughter who needed it.

The Job

I had made a profile on care.com but wasn’t actively applying for nannying positions in Milwaukee. It wasn’t time. Yes, it was October and yes, I was aiming to move there by the new year and yes, having work lined up there was a condition on me moving but it just wasn’t time to job hunt. Some forgettable weekday rolled around and in my FB notification feed my friend and Pastor in Milwaukee had tagged me in a status. Curious, I followed the link to a new friend of mine over in MKE who had posted asking if anyone was interested in taking over the nanny position that she had held for some time and was now relinquishing as she was moving overseas. I messaged her for details immediately and the following day I had an interview set up with the family for Sunday afternoon. 6am on Sunday I hopped in my car and drove to Milwaukee for the second time ever, went to church, hugged my new friends there, and then went to my interview. The family was wonderful and we spoke casually and openly but to the point about the position and before I could say anything about it the wife was asking her husband how many hours they could guarantee me because she really didn’t want me to find a different job. They had just met me and I got the job on the spot, in spite of the condition that I wasn’t going to move to Milwaukee immediately and therefore wouldn’t take over the position for two months still and they would be without someone until then — no worries! They wanted me and were willing to wait til the New Year. Favor!

The House 

With a job lined up and January 1st rolling around shortly — can I just say that November and December are the shortest months with so much preoccupation in planning for the holidays, if you aren’t diligent in preparation its the worst time of year to get set to move somewhere — Coming into the house hunt I thought I had two girls lined up to room with me but one was unavailable until July and the other wasn’t sure that she would be able to make the commitment. Moving forward in faith I combed for two types of listings: a place I could rent on my own, and a place with two bedrooms. While Amanda had legitimate circumstances to potentially hinder us being roommates I had a sense that my Father’s favor was working everything together. There wasn’t any harm in considering a solo nest for the first few months of my move if that was going to end up being my best option though.

House hunting can be frustrating online. I didn’t want to inquire about a dozen or more units so I was highly selective in which I emailed about. So many searches and different variables… my head was hurting and I was feeling stressed. January 1st had always been the goal and I knew the pieces would fall into place by then but somehow having it set in stone, having a commitment to fulfill with a new employer by that day, all the needed pieces felt suddenly weighty like literal objects rather than just thoughts and ideas. My perception had changed and it increased my urgency but the surety of Heaven was steadfast. I took a deep breath, let go, and waited.

Yesterday during some down-time I did a fresh search for housing. I emailed inquiries for two listings. One responded right away. Talking with the current tenant I got all my questions answered and he sent me a video tour of the place. It was a duplex unit that fit my vision for a home really well. The price was right as long as Amanda could split it with me. She and I talked and I got back to the current tenant about setting up a tour. My Dad and I, along with Amanda, are going to tour the property in five days and if it suits I’ll sign a lease that day. The lease would start December 1st and although thats a whole month before I move down it provides so much room to breathe because it gives us a whole month to move my furniture and belongings down there as is convenient.

The Finances 

I haven’t been saving money, I haven’t been working crazy amounts of hours, I’ve just been faithful to where Ive been placed — nannying and paying off little bits of credit card debt. The fact that the amount I sold my old car for a week ago is a few hundred dollars more than the amount I need for a deposit and first month’s rent on this duplex unit Im going to look at is another beautifully timed and favor-marked detail. Between that and my income of November and December, Ill cover all my current expenses and be able to pay rent even before beginning my new job in MKE. My Father, He doesn’t miss a thing!

Ive been praying in faith for favor over every condition on the list my parents made for me for nearly six months now. Being that I am an adult, they wouldn’t have stopped me from moving without fulfilling them but as much as the list was a sign of their care for me, my spirit knew that my Father wanted to fulfill them all to show His care for me. The last condition, the final detail, for my next move is credit card debt. Im going to be so well-paid at my new job in MKE that Ill be able to pay it all off in a matter of months so I don’t feel any urgency to pay it off now before my expenses increase. My parents see how it will balance out and they’re okay with it too. Still, I wouldn’t put it past Daddy God to cover this last detail before my move. I'll let you know how He does it!

Chelsea

PS: Where I'm learning to be present in the moment. Nanny days. 

04.

Deary, 

It’s a cool, crisp morning here. I’ve just set kettle to the stove — mint tea with an extra teaspoon of honey … one of my favorites. These are the moments of still, quiet — when my soul settles into new mercies and I breathe it all in deep. 

The looking back is a bit of a messy thing, isn’t it? I let the tea leaves steep in boiled water and remember how real the moments were & yet struggle with a sort of faint curiosity, wondering if, in fact, they really did happen? You know, dear, don’t you? 

Ah, and so we recognize the season for what it is and was, but set our gaze steady upon the One who can and does and will restore all things unto Himself. And this what keeps us moving forward, looking ahead, believing for more, for better, for beauty from loss. 

I’m on the edge of it, dear. There’s new life swarming and breathtaking plans pressing through the mess of this broken life and there’s a whole lot of God wooing me and calling me deeper into Him. So this morning, I choose not to remember the former things, but to embrace the things yet to come, the gifts He has yet to give, the promises He has yet to fulfill. 

That’s the heart’s gaze as I sip at my tea this morning. I think if you were sitting across from me, you’d see it too: how that’s the only way to spend a life — believing. 

Meggan 

03.

Hi dear,

Its a bleak Tuesday morning out my window, the kind you don’t mind when you’re forgetting the chill in a coffee shop. Tracing the lid of that paper cup, shaking my head and smiling at the way life unfolds, your eyes would be full of a knowing look if I could look up and meet them now. You understand it all too well.

I don’t look back in a wishful way, I am not headed that direction, the promise is ahead not behind, but do you ever page back through old journals, or flip through some images from those times and just remember you actually lived it? Some songs trigger the memories of moments, looks or sensations. Some seasons bring back the words, adventures and dreams. Time and sun fade it all until it seems like another life completely. Like your life ended and an entirely new one began after the mourning period. I’m here now and I wouldn’t trade this present for the future I lost, my Father has taken the tragic lines and strung them together as the prelude of a double blessing. 

The redeemed unfolding I walk in today stands on the shoulders of a wild and wonderful “little infinity” of yesterday though, and I think its good to remember all of our story.

Chelsea

01.

Hello, dear!

So much can happen in one year. In September 2013, I fell in love. It was epic. Honestly, the story would make a killing at a box office. I wasn’t looking for him and he wasn’t looking for me, but we met one week by chance in Colorado at the end of the summer, we stayed in touch, he asked me to do life with him long distance and the rest was history. We became the very closest of friends, our hearts grew together so naturally and our dreams aligned. We were in this thing for the long haul, just waiting for the right time for things to come together,  to do life together in the same city and move toward a forever together. After three months of us + distance, I moved across the country to be a little closer to him while he finished his last year of college. We planned to chart a course from there together into a shared future. Then, one month before graduation, he decided the unfolding story between us just wasn’t for him and he wanted to be done. My heart broke. I lost my best friend. I lost my dreams. I lost my future. I moved back home to my family to mourn and get back on my feet.

I had never been in a relationship before, never lost someone before. Everything was fresh, everything was potent. It took time to process, to heal, to just feel it all — and time was all I had. Gradually, I found there were a few dreams that I hadn’t lost and I began to pursue them. One was photography, another was child care. Pouring myself into those and figuring out who this new me, on the other end of lost love, was, together with the continual choosing to believe the promises of my Father for me, were key pieces in the unfolding of redeeming the time. Sure the relationship was only nine months long, start to finish, but it was a lifetime in soul’s time. I had followed my Father — the same One who has championed my desire to save myself for the one man He has for me all my life and Who had jealously guarded me from relationships even when I had lapses in judgement — to lead me into this relationship. Because He was leading so clearly, so specifically, and I trusted His heart toward me, in spite of the risks involved, I always felt secure. I didn’t mishear Him, I didn’t make it up, and He didn’t change His mind and take away. There were simply two people involved in the relationship, both with free will, and my Father wouldn’t hinder that freedom of choice. So a kind of miscarriage, a kind of death, was worked in my story because one of the two of us stopped choosing “us”. Dreams went up in smoke. When things settled to dust and ash and it was clear there was no going back, how was life supposed to come out of that? How can you not allow that to consume you and be your whole world? On the flip side, how do you not stuff it down deep and pretend it never happened just to keep moving forward? How can you be totally open and own such a life-altering season as part of your story while still moving forward as a whole-person with joy and clear hope of a future? I fell back on the promises of my Father. I don’t know any other way. He’s the death-conquerer. He’s a Master at bringing something out of nothing, beauty from ashes, joy after mourning. He redeems it all and weaves it all together for my benefit, for my good. This is my story, this is my song.

Mid-summer 2014, at a critical juncture in my healing process, where it really came time to decide whether I was going to choose to cling to death or to embrace life, I was at a school of Power and Love. While I was there my Father mobilized His Body to speak life over me, to affirm and confirm the promises and truths He had been speaking in the secret places to me about what He had ahead and about how He saw me. Chains fell off of my soul in a literal sense and I got new life breathed into me. Dreams gasped deep reviving breaths of air, my purpose was revitalized, my personality resurfaced. The oldest dream of my life is to be a wife and mother, and I thought I was so close to beginning to live those dreams and then everything abruptly ended. But, my Father said that the dream was still as alive as ever, I just needed to heal in order to move forward into it. The other half to that lifetime dream is the life “we” will live as a couple and a family, the work we will do together, and this too was so close to taking such beautiful, tangible shape when everything changed. Travel and ministry and art are too big a part of my DNA to come to a forever end with a broken heart. It had made so much sense, it was like finally seeing what you’ve always wanted and then having it vanish from before your eyes. I was right back where I had always been, and as hard as it is to be plunked back at the starting line, it wasn’t a bad place. Full of faith, confidant in hope, strong and moving forward toward my callings as a single woman — I knew how to do that. I was set to run full force, I just needed a direction. In the meantime I continued to stay present right where I was, investing deep into the relationships I had there, pouring my passion into trail blazing an organic outreach in my hometown, as well as sharpening my artistic skills by taking every opportunity to second shoot weddings for my incredibly talented photographer friends throughout the summer.

As summer was wrapping up, friends all over the US began to communicate with me about open doors for me to come to where they were and join in the ministry efforts occurring there. After seeing me risk so much and be so lonely in a new place and then ending up back home in painful sadness, my parents put some conditions on my next move. They included: 1) only move somewhere you actually know people the next time you move across country, 2) get a new car before trekking across any more road miles, 3) pay off my credit card debt from the last move, 4) have a job secured in the new location before leaving this one, and 5) have enough saved for the initial costs of securing an apartment. All the invitations I was receiving were meeting the first condition and I knew my Father would provide the missing pieces as I moved forward in the way He had for me. Praying over the possibilities, a list began to form in my mind ranking the locations, from highest to lowest, where I was feeling most led. San Francisco, CA was falling in second place even though logically I felt it should be ranking first. To my own bewilderment, Milwaukee, WI was holding steady in first place on this list. I had never been there but knew one couple who were in leadership at a church plant in the city. I had had an open door invitation to visit them for about four years and had never carved out the time to go. But, it was clearly the time. I figured I would have a clearer idea of what my Father had in mind or if it’d just been craziness that MKE was my first priority after I visited. Are you surprised at all that my visit fell right around the anniversary of my falling in love one year prior?

Nope, me neither, because the God of Redemption is writing a new ending to what should only be able to be a tragedy in my life and He knows how well I remember moments that make up a story and He loves to redeem those memories for me. Anyway, before I even got there it was apparent that there were some start-up efforts that would be ideal for me to jump into. I visited and fit so well into the church body that I was stunned. I made actual friends of complete strangers in one afternoon. It fit like a glove and unless my Father redirected me, I knew this was the way I was to begin walking toward. It was time to work on those other conditions for my next move. I’ll tell you about where I am at with that in my next letter.

Chelsea